According to Webster’s Dictionary, the top two definitions of the verb to control, are as follows:

1.)  to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command

2.)  to hold in check; curb

 In preparation for St. George which is swiftly approaching, Scott decided to initiate our pre-race discussions and plans around one question, “What does it mean for you to control a race from start to finish, and end up with a result that you are happy with?”  Good one.  Now, as I am sure for most of you, that word ‘control’ seems to depict some interesting images in our minds.  Often which are accompanied with or connected to a negative connotation.  Something like this perhaps…..

Seem familiar?  (Either that or some Ex-Lax is a dire necessity – one or the other.)

However, when Scott asked me about controlling a race, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t talking about THIS kind of control.  In fact, how are these images in any way even truly related to the word control?

In an race like Ironman, we are anything but in control…of our circumstances.  The sooner we realize and accept this, the better off we are. That is for absolute certain.  Weather, what the other athletes are or aren’t doing, mechanicals, cramping….the list is endless for an event such as this.  I like to say that we can prepare our very best for a race like this, but in the end, it is up to the “Triathlon Gods” who will decide how things will turn out for you - in the end.  Or perhaps not.  Perhaps they set up some of the factors or variables, but the onus is actually on YOU to decide how it will turn out – more times than not, anyways.  Interesting concept!  One thing that is for certain, is that if you try to use some of the methods shown above to control how your race will turn out…you’re probably setting yourself up for a pretty tough day!

 After thinking pretty hard about this question, it is clear that the above images connote anything BUT control, in fact they represent the exact opposite. Through this process, I have come to wonder if the English language needs to evolve a little bit more with regards to this linguistic imprecision.  According to Webster, the terms command or dominate, don’t really seem conducive to what I actually think ”control” means.

 So, how about I paste in an image or two  of what   I DO think control means so that I am being clear.  Let’s try this again shall we?

 Now, I don’t know about you, but I think this is more like it.

 Control, within a race, or in anything we do in our lives, is not about controlling the outcome.  We cannot do this.  Instead, what we can do is control how we ‘react’ to those things that present themselves to us.  If we want to race, or BE, at our best, we have to remain in control…of ourselves.

 At IM Canada 2009, my first Ironman as a professional, I lost control of my fuelling after a cable snapped at the 120 km. mark of the bike.  I ran my way into third, but I was not in control.  I was so very much OUT of control, that I was unable to join in on the finish line spraying of champagne….instead I found myself hooked up to multiple IVs in the med tent.  Had I remained in control of myself when this happened, I would have realized that although I couldn’t control the mechanical, I was still moving forward, and I COULD control my fuelling.  This I have learned. 

So, I guess control means taking the focus away from the outcome, and instead controlling ourselves within each and every moment.  To do the very best that we can with what we are given on the day, albeit during a race, in training, or life in general.   No matter what kind of chaotic insanity might be going on around you, the trick to being at your best, is to stay calm within the center.

 I remember receiving an email from a good friend shortly after IM China. (Please see www.janellemorrison.com for a race report.)  I had barely returned to Canada, and was absolutely exhausted from the sickness and symptoms that lasted for week upon my return, the disappointment of the race, the travelling/jet lag….everything.  Through this friend, I was reminded  that life really is all about the journey, not the destination.  At the time, I was unable to see this, in fact, I didn’t even want to see it.  So, I told her that my experience with IM China was not a journey, instead it was a “death march.”  Okay, given, I was not in a great state of mind, but at the time, that was truly where I was.  It has only been in the last few days that I have begun to comprehend the real meaning of this well-known phrase.  It’s funny how we think we can ‘get’ something, but it isn’t until we are face down in the mud that we realize that we still have so very much to learn. 

Over the last few weeks, I have been busy washing a lot of dirty laundry (literally too….you don’t want to know what my suitcase smelled like upon coming home from China…you really don’t.)  But figuratively…I had a lot of soul searching to do.  And the tumultuous experience of the last few weeks was not giving me any options to put it off. 

During this time, I looked good and hard at why I am doing this.  Why I chose to put aside a Masters degree, a good job that I enjoyed (teaching), selling a house to live in a basement suite, living like a student again in more ways than one.  The pull and desire to just put aside this craziness, to get off this crazy roller coaster, and to go back to some form of safety and stability was becoming very, very strong.  My teaching career was looking pretty darn good and this basement suite was looking pretty darn ugly.  After an injury that had me take a solid three months off running this fall/winter, and then an extremely challenging and difficult race experience on my own on the other side of the world…yes…fear had me by the throat.   I had to look at all of this very, very hard to make sure that I was making the right decision to continue on this road of being a professional triathlete.

There are many things that helped me through this…some of which I will mention at the bottom of this blog, as I would not have had the strength to do this soul-searching without the incredible support of so many people (see below) but largely I realized that this really IS about the journey.  I ventured onto this new road because I was chasing down a dream, sure, fair enough.  But I have now realized that it is so more than that.  Before, I still understood the dream to encompass ‘finish lines and results.’  I didn’t see yet that these things really are so fleeting, and as nice as they can be to experience, that all the finish lines in the world will never love you back.  There has to be more. 

I’ve always said that I am doing this because I don’t want to be the 90 year old in her rocking chair (if I make it that long of course) who wonders ‘what if?’  And that is true.  None of that has changed.  But I have had to ask myself what that ‘what if’ means.  Does it mean putting it all on the line to work towards winning races that surely will come and go? Does it mean having your name ‘up in lights’ for a moment in time only to be replaced by another?   Does it mean putting all of your energy and attention into something that may never even happen only to put more pressure on your shoulders than necessary? No, of course it doesn’t.  None of these things will ever make you happy, because they don’t last.  The finish line won’t be there to hold your hand while you take your last breaths and the media exposure won’t provide you a shoulder to cry on when you need it.   That is for absolute certain.

Now, this might sound obvious, but for a bull-headed person like me….sometimes these things take longer to process than for othersJ  And for an athlete, until you are able to put the pieces together in your life outside of racing, to understand the true meaning of it all….then how can you ever expect to succeed?  How can you expect to succeed if you focus all of your energy and attention on one thing that is anything but a guarantee, and in turn, neglect (although not purposefully) the things in life that really matter?  You can’t.  So you either die trying and become progressively miserable throughout the process.  Or you stop.  Take a deep breath.  Ask yourself some fundamental questions.  Find some answers.  And then learn how to use these new answers to become a better person, both in and outside of racing.

When I was teaching, I had a poster in my classroom that said “Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.”  I always reminded my students of this, and told them that if they remembered one thing in life from our 2 years together…to remember this. ..and I hope they do.  It was time, however, for me to take some of my own advice.  Through this I also learned that sometimes you need to stay down for a little longer before you stand up.  So that when you DO stand, you stand with conviction, strength, and purpose.  The important thing is that you stand up again.  It matters not HOW you stand…for this is definitely not a race…instead just stand.

I have also realized that when you chase down a dream, the beautiful thing about it is that you cannot fail.  Either way it turns out…you will have succeeded.  If you meet your ‘outside goals’, then great.  If you don’t, then at least you will know within yourself, that when fear had you by the throat, when you felt like the puny kid at school who was backed into a corner, when you were laying face down in the dirt, that you stood up and said, ‘bring it.’ THAT is what matters today, and that is what is going to matter at the end of this life.  Plain and simple.   As Roosevelt once said, “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.  Whose fact is marred by dust, sweat, and blood.  Who at best knows the triumphs of success, and at worst, knows that his place does not belong with those cold, timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.”  And it is with this that I now truly understand.  The weight has been lifted.  The pressure that I put on myself in this process is off.  I am doing this because I love it, and I understand that now.  I am doing it because it is something that I feel I am destined to do.  And that no matter how it all turns out, it will be a success.   I finally get it.  It really is the journey…thanks again, Myra.

In saying this, I cannot end this blog before personally thanking the following people for their support over the last few weeks.  Without this support, I truly, truly, truly would not have the opportunity to venture on this dream chasing road, because no one has the strength to do it alone.  So the following is a tribute to you:

Team Timex and Tom Schuler (who if you don’t already know rode for the superstar 7-11 team and is a US National Road Champion…so he was already my hero before all of this) who proved to me that TIMEX is not the king of watches simply because they have great products for consumers to buy.    No, TIMEX is so much more than that.  TIMEX is the king of time because of the people who are behind it.  Good people, real people.  Thank you, TIMEX for standing behind me when I was truly at the ultimate fork in the road and for reminding me that I belong to the best damn team on the circuit.  I won’t forget it.

Eric Wikjord.  My fiancé, my best friend, who sacrifices just as much (if not more than I do) so that I can do this.  And who never wavers in his belief and support in me.  He also is living in a basement suite, he also is holding off having a family, he is also spending a lot of lonely time as I am away or putting in the miles required to be at your best in this high demand sport.  And even though it would be so easy for him to tell me to ‘stop’ when I am down, he doesn’t.  He tells me to go on.  He tells me I need to continue.  He is the least selfish person I have ever met and I can’t thank him enough.

Scott McMillan, Factor9. My coach, mentor, and friend.  For putting all that he does into helping me to reach my full potential.  Who does so much more than write my programs for me (which are impeccable…but that’s another story.) Who listens to me ramble, replies thoughtfully, and who is a person who when you meet him, demands your respect. Not because he asks for it, but because his words and actions leave you no choice..  I wouldn’t be here without all that you do. 

Jenny and Brian.  For all the support and words of wisdom day in and day out.  For inspiring me.  For sending me this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45mMioJ5szc&feature=player_embedded

My mom.  Who listened to me, who lent an ear when I needed to talk.  Who didn’t judge, who didn’t ‘tell me what to do’ but who simply gave me enough advice to allow me to see it all for myself.

For ALL of the emails and support from each and every one of you from here in Vernon, from across Canada, and even all the way over on the far corners of the world.  I wanted you all to know how much your support means to me, and I hope that somewhere, someone, is able to hear this story and find the strength within themselves to get back up even when they didn’t know how.  If so, then I have already succeeded.

 Training for IM China (the race that is dubbed as “diabolically hot and humid”) in Victoria, Canada you say???  I know, Victoria might be providing a climate that is far different from what I will experience on race day but sometimes fate lands you in places you had not expected – so here I am at the end of my second week of training the biggest volume I have ever done in consecutive weeks (more about that in a moment.)  As for acclimitization, I’ll be heading to China a couple of weeks early and that will just have to be enough this time around.

Arizona was the first option this year as a base training camp, but with the offer to housesit in Victoria for friends (and save $$$) while still being able to train big miles on the road…was just too good to pass up. Victoria is a bit of ‘hit and miss’ largely the ‘miss’ aspect pertaining to weather.  Those of you who know Victoria know that it is a beautiful place, but can be cursed (I say cursed because I’m not a rubber boots and umbrella fan) with predominantly grey skies and rain.  (Although I will say that this time around has been not too bad at all – a fair number of sunny days!)

Anyways, this was the ‘start’ of the new year and from here things have been rolling really quickly towards China.  Once January rolled around it was time to organize a training camp for some big volume training and like I said before, Victoria came up as the 2010 pick of the lot!  So, a few weeks ago I packed my bags and headed down here.  Sam and Jamie (people I am housesitting for) live in a super great place that is smack in the middle of the Commonwealth Pool and  Cordova Bay (with a view to match!!!)  Not shabby.  Beyond that though…in the evening after training myself silly I have become quite adept at watching episode after episode of The Office (BBC Version.)  I had heard this was a good one, but I had no idea just HOW good.  A long/hard training day can easily be washed away with howling laughter at the antics of Gareth Keenan and Dave the Boss.  Okay, if you have not yet seen this show…do it now…don’t waste any more time….you just can’t believe how funny it is – and if you have – then you know why I am spending so much time writing about this!!!

Okay, as for training…. the first few days of training had me working some of the cobwebs out.  I had spent SO many hours on the trainer (which has been great as I think trainers -and treadmills – are super training tools) but riding on the road feels different so it took a small adjustment period….which copious repeats of the Observatory seemed to take care of nicely!  I love that climb!!!  And I definintely can’t possibly explain how good it feels to run pain-free again after my injury this fall.  Nice, nice, nice.  I had also forgotten just how many amazing athletes there are here in Victoria….everytime I turn around there are record breakers, Olympic medalists, world champions…you name it – which is a constant reminder to continue to strive to up your game…so yah….train hard!!!!

After about 4 days of being here I came down with a solid cold/bug of some sort which I was able to train through as it never got really bad.  Instead Scott just had me lower the intensity of my training, but keep the volume.  ”Just keep rolling with it” he has said to me about 100 times since being here:-)  Regardless though with this big increase in training volume and fighting off a cold at the same time, my heart rate has settled nicely in at 10-15 beats below normal.  As Scott has told me, it’s not going to change until I get a bout of recovery – which you’re not getting yet – he keeps telling me:-)  Now, instead of focusing in on my  heart rate monitor (Thanks, Timex!) for workouts, I need to really trust my body and my intuition, since my heart rate is not giving me useful information right now.  This has been challenging – but a great learning experience too.  I always use perceived exertion, but also very much alongside heart rate as a back up…now with just perceived exertion it forces me to listen more closely…which is important training in and of itself!

Anyways, I guess to make a long story short…my season has begun.  The travelling has begun, the hard training has begun, 2010 sponsorships has been confirmed (more on this on my next blog)…and the racing is right around the corner.  Now….here’s to a sunny day today for my 5 hour ride and 1 hr. t-run.  Come on sun……..I know you’re out there!

It’s kind of odd that I would choose to write a New Year focused blog, particularly if you consider the fact that Eric and I made it to 10:30 last night and weren’t even conscious for the ‘ringing in of the New Year.’ Absolutely shocking – yah right.  But whether you choose to do your goal setting on Jan. 1st or on July 10th….makes no difference, the importance, however, is that you do it. 

This said, goals are of course just words (written or spoken) unless you take action towards them.  Taking action requires motivation, and the more this motivation is internally based – the better.  So, I wanted to write down a few ‘words of wisdom’ that I have picked up spontaneously throughtout 2009 that I know I intend to carry on with me for 2010, and perhaps, may also kick start some internal motivation towards 2010 for anyone reading!

First though, I think it’s important to first explain what motivated me to blog about this subject to begin with. …

I was on my trainer this morning for the first workout of the day and things were going on all as normal when I realized that my towel (which was laid out on the pads of my aero bars) was perfectly aligned to show 6 simple words with only 8 tiny syllables.  On my little sweat soaked towel it said, “What you believe, you will achieve.”  Now, some might think…”So what? It was on your towel, you read the words…ya da ya da ya da…”  But those 6 words written in light blue ink on that raggedly little hand towel were very meaningful for me in that moment.  It then inspired me to spend the rest of my  trainer ride thinking about other things I have heard in 2009 that are important little pebbles to put into my sack towards my own journey going forth into this new year, and decade.  Perhaps you might even choose to take some of these with you on your own journey in 2010 for whatever goals and dreams you have set out for yourself.  Here they are…

“It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, “Always do what you are afraid to do.”  - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You are what your deep, driving desire is.  As your desire is, so is your will.  As your will is, so is your deed.  As your deed is, so is your destiny.” - Brihardaranyaka Upanishad 4 (whoever that is!!!???)

“Don’t talk yourself out of it, talk yourself INTO it!” – Mel Spooner during a masters swimming workout this fall

“I don’t ask myself what I have to lose, instead I ask what I have to gain.  To follow a dream you cannot waste an ounce of energy on anything that detracts from your goal.”  Phillipe Petit in an interview about his epic and magical high wire walk between the twin towers.

“The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.”  - Chinese Proverb

Happy are those who dream DREAMS and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.” - Leon J. Suenes

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”  -Confucious

“Patience, Grasshopper” - Dr. Chris Spooner

“Secrets of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes.”  - Earl of Beaconsfield

AND OF COURSE DON’T FORGET….

“WHAT YOU BELIEVE YOU WILL ACHIEVE.”

Happy 2010, everyone!!!!!!!

Ask anyone who knows me, and they’ll tell you that I am probably one of the least patient people on the planet.  “Hurry up and GO” has been my life motto (or so it seems) until very recently.   Getting caught in traffic or waiting in line ups have never exactly been things that I have dealt well with. I have felt, especially over the last last couple of years, that the clock is always moving too fast…never enough time. “Faster…hurry…let’s go…..” I am learning, however, that faster is not ALWAYS better.  Usually…but not always:-)  Time is something that really is on our side, but only if we allow it to be.

After the disappointment of missing Longhorn 70.3 in Texas (not only for myself, but also for my dad who had to cancel his flight as he was going to come and watch the race) due to a strained tendon in my foot from an excessively tight peroneal muscle that finally said – NO MORE - I was definitely getting a bit nervous about Ironman Arizona which was to be my last race of 2009.  After resting my foot and getting laser therapy every couple of days, there was a point where I had to start running again to see if my foot would hold up for Arizona.  As it turns out, it was nearly healed…but not enough.  After easy three runs back it became inflammed again telling me that it was just not ready for all that training again.  It needed more rest to make a full recovery.  More rest?????  That means more TIME…and with Arizona only one months away I’m running out of TIME!!!!!!  Tick tock…tick tock …

After that run, I knew that if I was to race Arizona that I would possibly not finish the race and very likely re-injure my tendon – which are notoriously slow healers to begin with.   This was affirmed to me after seeing Dr. Chris Spooner (Melissa Spooner’s husband) who is not only a brilliant athlete and person, but a super naturopathic doctor as well. Having him affirm to me that risking racing Arizona was not a smart choice, and that there were many benefits to simply ending the season now (early November) to prepare fully for 2010 allowed me to finally get off the treadmill/roller coaster and allow the healing to truly happen.  Stop pushing, stop forcing…and allow your body to get what it needs.  Rest.

At first this was difficult for me to wrap my head around, but after a bit more time I realized that stopping and slowing down for a bit actually felt pretty good!  Getting lots of sleep, learning important details about nutritrion and how to now properly take care of my body with all the pounding I have and will continue to put it through (particularly after two solid injuries this season), working on the swim, and just having some time to absorb this new life has been the best thing that could have ever happened.  I have also learned that in order to truly make this sport (or any sport – or anything in life really) your focus, you must always think long term, and regardless of the short term situation…always keep your eye on the prize – as Scott likes to say!

So, you won’t see me at the start line in Arizona, but 2010 is coming up like a ball of sulphur, and instead of wishing time away, this time I am patiently preparing for my first season as a full-time pro, but for once…taking my time and doing it right.   Like I said in my last blog…the Stones really were right.