So I woke up this morning, and I could hear, sorta, thank goodness. I spent the last 3 weeks posing as a blonde bobblehead- nod and smile, nod and smile. I don’t think I could have survived without hearing much longer because the only sign language I know is a one fingered invite for a butt-kicking.
   It all started nearly a month ago, at a bar, on my birthday. I had my party pants on, my hair was big, and I felt sick. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a “I just had 6 Coronas” sort of sick. So, I took my safe ride home at 10.45…lame. I called the people I was suppose to run long with the next day to tell them I couldn’t get out of bed, “and it is not because my birthday party was last night and I spent the night at the Rio where the margaritas are so big you could take a bath in them…honest!”
   On Monday I decided I didn’t want to be sick any more, so I went for a swim. After a grueling 50 meters I went back to my bed, where I was super busy. I had to alternate between sweating, freezing, blowing my nose and trying not to die. At 3 in the morning blood started dripping out of my ear, apparently I was better at sweating than trying not to die. I sent out a few text messages to my loved ones to let them know I was about to kick the bucket, but no one responded. Maybe they were sleeping. So I drove my carcass to the hospital.
   Apparently if your temperature gets in to the quadruple digit territory, your eardrum can rupture. Then, I am pretty sure my brains were gushing out…it was sick, like, cool sick, in a Discovery Channel sort of way. The next day my coach called to see if I had done any training, “yeah” I told him, “I did an hour of Dr. Phil and an hour of Oprah.” He told me not to eat any cookies until I was back training…real training, and watching Oprah doesnt count as excercise. Not a problem, the only thing I had eaten in the last three days was prescription pain killers, you know, the good stuff.
   By Friday I had decided that I wasn’t sick any more (for the second time that week) and I got back to business. The kind of business that earns a bobblehead a cookie. I have felt great ever since, and training has been going well…and then…this morning….I could hear! Sorta!

Upon arriving at our team camp in Carlsbad, California, I found our team mechanic, Doug Berner, eating a sandwich in the back of the team truck. It was the perfect-o opportunity to ask him a few questions.

LT: What is the grossest thing you have ever cleaned off of a bike?

DB: Normally I would say pee, because that is gross, but even worse is when dead worms stick to the bike after it rains

LT: When was the last time you went skinny dipping?

DB: 8 years ago

LT: Care to elaborate?

DB: No

LT: Were you alone, or with other people?

DB: I am not a solo-dipper

LT: What is the best thing you have ever eaten while riding a bike?

DB: Cheese Whiz at the start of a bike race, it really intimidates people

LT: What is the biggest thing you have ever run over while driving the truck?

DB: Curbs and stuff, nothing exciting…ask me the coolest thing I have found in the road

LT: What is the coolest thing you have found in the road?

DB: I found a wrench, actually, two wrenches. I could almost create a new tool box with all the tools I have found in the road.

LT: What is the worst thing you have ever broken?

DB: When I was 6, I was playing the drums with my mom’s knitting needles, and I broke them. I didnt know what to do, so I just put them back and never said anything about it. I still feel bad about it.

LT: Who is a better truck driver, Keith Meyer, Tristan Brown or Ben Harper?

DB: Keith, because he is a master impersonater. All of the sounds that the truck makes, Keith can make, and if he cant make them, he practices until he can.

LT: Best nickname you have ever been given?

DB: For a long time I was called ‘Moose.’ Working with Keith you get a lot of nicknames, like, all of a sudden one day, he started calling me “DJ Jazzy B.”

LT: Dang

DB: Yeah, I know

In honor of the Super Bowl, I asked all of the professional triathletes I know if they had ever played in the NFL…and then I went with plan b. I interviewed an NFLer about all things spandex related. Luckily, the Houston Texans wide receiver, Dave Anderson, has an abundance of spandex knowledge.

LT:  Other than the fact we both wear spandex pants, what else do football players and triathletes have in common?
DA: We run. I can swim pretty well, but as for the rest of football players they would sink like bricks. As for bikes, not many of them would fit on a normal one. And I see a lot of players wearing those skull caps because of their braids and their afros, I don’t know if that is why triathletes wear them but maybe.

LT: Speaking of spandex pants, have you ever heard anyone in the locker room ask, “do these pants make my butt look big?”

DA:  Absolutely! That is the only part of our bodies you can really see. Our faces and upper body are covered with a helmet and pads, so your butt better be your best asset, no pun intended.

LT: What do you think is a more stressful job, being the kicker on a football team, or a school bus driver?
DA: School bus driver. There is no way those people get paid enough for what they have to put up with. I know I would be like Farley in Billy Madison if it were me. Kickers get paid millions to kick a ball. They never practice, never have to meet, and they never have to exercise. Sounds like the easiest job to me hahaha.

LT:  Do you ever wish the Texans had a more creative name? If you were to rename the team, what would you go with?
DA: We always talk about that. Only team to be named after their state. If every team did that, the best name would be the Washington District of Columbians. As for what name did I wish we had . . . . maybe the Houston
 

LT: What about yourself? Have you ever considered renaming yourself (not that there is anything wrong with ‘Dave,’ that is a fine name).
DA: Kind of. Since I have been little every school I have been to there has been another kid named David Anderson, so that wasn’t cool. I think my middle name Kent is cool, but I have always been Dave so i can’t see myself being anything different. Although I wouldn’t mind going by Tom Brady or Tiger Woods right about now.

LT: What is the farthest distance a coach has ever made you run?
DA: It will actually happen in March. Coach Kubiak has signed us all up for a 5k, for this charity for troops. Not sure if I am going to make it without my “Heelys” or better known as roller shoes. Are those leagal in triathlons? If not they should be.

LT: How fast do you think Coach Kubiak could run a mile?
DA: He exercises quite a bit. And all old players start running long distances once they retire. So maybe like 8 minutes

LT: Last but not least, is Tom Brady really injured, or do you think he is faking the limp?
DA: Tom Brady is fine. The only reason he has a limp it is because of a pimp walk. Or maybe his back is hurting from carrying the Patriots.

This week’s interviewee is not a triathlete, but I think he may still qualify as an “athlete” so at least he has part of the title right. Chris Thompson is a swimming Olympic medalist, and a former American Record holder for the 1500, and World Record holder for the 1000.

Laura: Any chance you could answer 6 questions for me?
Chris: depends on the 6 questions…go ahead
LT: what is the scariest animal you have ever seen while swimming open water?
CT: I’ve never seen anything creepy, probably just jellyfish because of the stings. I’ve never seen sharks or anything
LT: scariest workout you have ever done?
CT: scariest? don’t know if I’ve been scared of a workout
LT: hardest?
CT: 3×800 @ 8:20, 3×500 @ 5:05, 3×400 @ 4:00, 3×300 @ 3:00, 3×200 @ 1:55, 6×100 @ 1:00
LT: Dang. Have you ever used the line, “yeah, well I am an Olympian”?
CT: maybe in jest, but not that I recall in everyday conversation
LT: Riiiight. What is the secret to becoming an Olympian?
CT: There is no one single thing, it is a combination of a lot of things… hard work, dedication, talent, coaching, family, luck
LT: What is the secret to surviving a Michigan winter?
CT: Warm clothing
LT: worst nickname anyone has ever given you?
CT: in high school it was ‘fish’… which is totally unoriginal (a swimmer nicknamed fish).. it toally lacks any sort of creativity, totally
LT: yep…here is your last question, have you ever been arrested?
CT: You already asked 6 questions

LT: This is the bonus round, there is always a bonus round. Have you ever been arrested? feel free to elaborate 

CT: I’ve never even gotten a speeding ticket
LT: have you ever cried to get out of a speeding ticket?
CT: No, but I know you have

 LT: and that concludes our interview

James Hadley: Pretty face, popular bachelor, serenader with an accent…but wait, there is more. This British triathlete placed in the top ten at St. Croix, Muskoka and Timberman in 2007. Recently, Hadley finished 6th overall at the Laguna Phuket Triathlon.

LT: Let’s get the most important question out of the way first, while in Boulder, did you ever run over a prairie dog with your bike?

 JH:  No I have never ran over a prairie dog. They are really cute.

LT: What is more important when it comes to being a “ladies man” aftershave, or skin tight shirts?

JH: I think the most important thing to being a ladies man is the skin tight shirts. If a guy wears a shirt it has to be fitted to the body shape, and if he wears a t-shirt it has to be body hugging and not blue in colour. Black is the best. Although a good aftershave is almost equally important.

LT: Do you follow the “no swimming with in 30 minutes of eating” rule?

JH: No I don’t follow the “no swimming within 30 minutes of eating” rule. I often swim with a bloated full stomach. So now I have tried the protein shake before I swim with a red bull. That works way better.

LT: You were recently in Thailand…anything you would like to share?

JH: Haha. Yes I was in Thailand. What are you thinking I would like to share???
The women are hot, and the people were extremely friendly. I think it was the best race I have ever been to. Sorry there isn’t any more. I hope you weren’t wanting some seedy  gossip! haha.

LT: What is the worst nickname you have ever been give?

JH:  My worst nickname??? I don’t think I have had a bad one. I suppose being called “Badboy” or “player” doesn’t seem to go down too well with the women, but I have been fortunate that if people have had bad nicknames for me, they have done well to hide it from me.

LT: On a scale from 1-10, how bummed are you that the Island 80 triathlon won’t happen this year?

JH: I wasn’t aware that Island 80 isn’t on anymore…I am well bummed about it though, as I was planning on racing it! So a 10 for that!